Some wines are like love notes, delivered from across the seas, others like post-it notes on the fridge- still others are like like gruesome horror films, powerful in their ability to hold our attention, yet monstrous in conception, overwhelming and bloody.  We at The UnCorker were struck this week by the similarity of two wholly disparate wines that, like a horror film, repelled and held us bound in equal measure. Like a Hollywood film, these wines have glossy production values, lots of style and no substance.

The first, Laetitia’s single vineyard 2004 ‘Les Galets’ Pinot Noir from the Arroyo Grande Valley, Central Coast California, is a dark, brooding beast- kirsch-like and syrupy in its cassis dripping mouth coating aberrant way.  Nothing here tasted or smelled like pinot- honestly we think a mistake’s been made! Quick, to UC Davis for testing- we think its Syrah- huge Syrah- deeply extracted with 18 months in new, hi-toast barriques- its got smoky meat and blood on the palate-and vanilla, lots of savory sweet vanilla.  An abv of 14.5% is big even for Cali pinot, but this smelled much hotter.

Arroyo Grande Valley is smack dab between Santa Barbara and San Luis Obispo, but for that, its about as coastal and cool as the Central Coast gets.  Yet this wine is so very darkly, deeply extracted you could be excused for thinking it was from further south-Lodi for instance.  Yet for all of this, there is definitely pleasure to be had- a steak grilled black and blue with lots of char would stand up to it.  If told it was Amador Zinfandel, you might try it with grilled lamb and herbs, so why not here?  We wonder what goes on in the vineyard and cellars to make such a monster.  Perhaps a late harvest? Maybe as much new oak as we suspect, but also maybe something more mechanical- something… scientific? If must concentration and alcohol removal techniques are viticulture’s equivalent to plastic surgery, then maybe this wine is more Hollywood than we even imagined.  No way for us to know of course – because like an aging starlet, no winemaker admits to such Frankensteinian intervention with nature.

Later that evening, we at UnCorker headquarters got an idea- to put an Aussie Shiraz next to our pinot, we suspected the similarities would be striking; we were not to be disappointed. The 2007 Two Hands Angels Share McLaren Vale is big- 15.5% abv, big- big wafts of fruity perfume; port-like concentrated berries and a massive mouth-coating viscosity. Generosity, however,  quickly leads to one note boredom- again, what to have with this? Perhaps game? Whats the gamiest of game? That’s what you could pair this with- and we at The UnCorker aren’t against a good McLaren Vale Shiraz-home to d’Arenberg, Mitolo, the Kay Brothers, and Clarendon Hills, there’s plenty of finesse to be found in this part of the world – just not here.

Both Laetitia and Two Hands speak of terroir and nature on their labels, but we’ve had wines from the Central Coast and McLaren Vale that transport us, tell us what the soil is like, how the vintage was, even about the care that was taken in producing them- these concentrated monsters, super-critic darlings both, obilterate the sense of place, leaving us with something occasionally pleasurable, practically useless at the dinner table, and altogether soulless.